IHATEHANDPANS®*
A halftone steel handpan suspended over bright orange forge flames

A better use of metal.

LESS BWONG.
MORE SIZZLE.

One handpan. One forge. One much better use of metal.
Help us turn spiritual percussion into fried rice.

Fund the wok Read the manifesto
EST. 2026 / THE ANTI-HANDPAN MANIFESTO Mercifully, this website is silent.
NO VIBRATIONS.✳JUST CARBOHYDRATES.✳GIVE METAL A SECOND CHANCE.✳
01 / THE MANIFESTO

We have heard enough.

A handpan is a $3,000 wok that should have stayed in the kitchen.

Nine notes. That’s the whole trick. People treat it like a holy relic because if they admitted it was a fancy metal bowl, they’d have to face the fact they spent rent money on a toy.

The sound is unbearable. One long, wet bwong just hangs there like a stain. Then another. Then the same one again. It’s not music. It’s a single idea dying in public and refusing to shut up.

The players are worse. Barefoot, eyes closed, that vacant little smile like they just invented peace. They didn’t. They tapped a pan and waited for applause. They talk in whispers. They say “space,” “frequency,” “it chose me.” Translation: no repertoire, no talent, just costume and delusion.

And they will not stop. Same three notes, over and over, until everyone nearby is trapped in it. Not charmed. Not moved. Just stuck listening to someone masturbate with a steel dish and call it awakening.

It’s not mystic. It’s not deep. It’s a loud, expensive personality disorder with good lighting.

With absolutely no positive vibrations,
The Committee for Better Uses of Metal

02 / THE ONLY TRANSFORMATION WE BELIEVE IN

A higher purpose.
A much better lunch.

  1. A steel handpan surrounded by orange forge flames01

    BURN THE HANDPAN.

    Into the forge. Out of its spiritual era.

  2. A freshly forged steel wok beside a blacksmith’s hammer02

    MAKE IT A WOK.

    Same metal. Finally, some potential.

  3. A wok filled with fried rice, vegetables and rising steam03

    FRY THE RICE.

    The only awakening is your appetite.

03 / PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE THE WOK IS

LET’S MAKE
DINNER.

Your contribution brings us one step closer to the world’s most overqualified frying pan.

100% less enlightenment.
Considerably more rice.
THE WOK FUNDDEMO CAMPAIGN
$1,260 of $3,000 goal
x
42% contributed58% until dinner

Illustrative totals. No real contributions have been collected.

Try a demo contribution. No payment required.

What would the money pay for?

The proposed $3,000 goal is a draft budget for a handpan, professional forge time, filming and ingredients. Real costs, campaign terms and a payment provider will be confirmed before fundraising opens.

MAKE FRIED RICE.NOT A SOUND BATH.